Hate & Thankfulness

21 years ago today my sister was killed in a car accident. That statement, when written or spoken, still shocks me. I so vividly remember getting to the hospital and desperately wanting time to go backward. I wanted to reverse all engines and go back just a few hours. Back to a time when she was alive. Wait 5 more minutes before leaving the school and maybe take a different route home. A route that didn’t end with a woman who was drunk and high driving on the wrong side of the road. No matter how hard I cried that night, there was no going back. This was a time in my life when I didn’t know the Lord. Maybe that is not true. I think I did know a God existed and I HATED him. I worked diligently to hate Him with every ounce of my being. I wanted to throw all that pain on him. He willingly accepted everything I gave Him – all my tears, all my pain, all my hate.

As I ate breakfast with my family this morning I found myself so incredibly thankful. If God had done what I had asked – to stop time, then I would not be here in this moment. I would not be eating breakfast with the three best gifts He has ever given me. A husband who loves the Lord and loves me (despite me). Two little boys who are His to take care of and disciple. I am thankful that my God would never leave me, even when I tried with everything I had to push Him away. He never moved. It took years before I came to accept Jesus after Heather’s death. I was a freshman in college and to be completely honest, I think now, I only accepted him as a way to see Heather again. I am so thankful that, too, is not where He left me. He didn’t leave me in my hate. He didn’t leave me not knowing Him. He didn’t leave me in pain. Oh my goodness, this day is forever burned into my heart and the pain is as real today as it was 21 years ago. But He didn’t leave me on November 16, 1994. He used that day to draw me to Him. Jesus will ALWAYS use our life and our circumstance to draw us to Him and for His glory. ALWAYS!

20 Years Ago

Somehow I felt that after I finished chemo that nobody would want to read anything else I wrote. That journey was over and I should have moved on. Did you know I still cry? Sometimes I am so overwhelmed at the idea that I had cancer at the age of 33 I cry. Sometimes when I think back to being crumpled in the shower wanting to die, I cry. Sometimes when I look at my short hair I cry. Sometimes when I look at my children I cry. Sometimes when my husband kisses me on the neck and I can’t feel it from the damage from the biopsy, I cry. Right now as I am writing this I am crying. I am crying for numerous reasons tonight…

Over the past year there have been challenges in my life. We all have faced challenges. Part of my life got so challenging I lost my voice. I couldn’t speak – figuratively. During cancer I was very transparent. But during this recent life journey I no longer felt like I could be transparent because my challenge would reveal something that was very public. I live in small town America. My name has a real possibility of being in the local paper. So instead, I remained silent. I am all done with that. This is my very non-transparent way of saying, “I’m sorry for being silent” and this is a part of my life that I will keep quiet. Hiding in God’s Word has been the only place I have found refuge.

Today is an important day in the history of my family. 20 years ago, almost exactly, at 8:30 p.m. my sister Heather was killed in a car accident. That night was a living nightmare. It is what they make horror movies out of (one of the many reasons I don’t watch them.) When you’ve been in one there is no need to ever watch one for entertainment. I digress. For many years me and my family asked why? God is sovereign and He knows why. I don’t. I don’t have to know.

Sometimes I think life is like the game of Dominoes. We push one domino over and there is a cascade that follows as a result of that decision. Heather died. Not my choice. Not my domino. I met Roy by God’s design –> Roy took me to a play –> Because of my longing for something greater than to believe that Heather was simply a rotting body in the ground, on November 2, 1999 I accepted Jesus –> January 12, 2001 Nicole died and I wasn’t alone in my grief because I had been introduced to Jesus –> I wanted to know what Nicole experienced in her last year of life so I competed for El Paso County Fair and Rodeo Queen –> I loved serving my county fair and that brought me to a place of wanting to serve the Logan County Fair –> While chaperoning the queens at the Horse Expo I found my dream job of teaching Anatomy around the country. So if we cut out the details, because I met Roy I get to have my dream job. (That might be two-fold because I am also a mama and that is my mostest favoritest job ever). Despite wanting to give Roy lots of credit, the credit goes to Christ alone. God is sovereign. He knows the details and He will work them for His good.

This is one example of one choice I made. I do believe accepting or denying Christ is the single most important choice a person can make. Have you made that choice?

Get in Alignment

We can always tells when our body is not in alignment. Sometimes things get so far off that we head to the chiropractor to put things back in place. We feel better for a while, until we do that thing that sets our body off course again. The same is true of our vehicles. When our alignment is off, our vehicle can start veering in the wrong direction and until we go and get it fixed we will continue to head in that misleading direction.

Sunday was Mother’s Day (thank you Captain Obvious). I love Mother’s Day, especially now that I am a mom. I remember the years longing to have a child. Mother’s Day was hard during that time.

What is it about Mother’s Day that make me desire to not have to do anything mother-like? I don’t want to wake up or get out of bed. I just want to sleep in. I don’t want to make breakfast. I don’t want to tend to the children. I just want to sit back and relax. It is not a day for laundry. It is not a day for chores. Doing everything that is the opposite of my other 364 days in a year is what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I then found myself spiraling down the slide of guilt over my intense desire to do nothing. On top of that I told Roy that Mother’s Day is so significant it is like Christmas and my birthday combined. It is SERIOUSLY important! This is my full time occupation… so he better get it right. He has to have been thankful that I was feeling under the weather on the Eve of Mother’s Day, as I was in my Nyquil-induced coma by 9 p.m. and out for the count. This allowed him to do his always-reliable-last-minute-special-day-preparation. He did a spectacular job. He made me biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Upon my plate he has put a homemade flower bouquet (made of construction paper) and on each petal he wrote characteristics he cherished about me. He let me sleep in (to the point that I was running so late I had to put my make-up on our drive to church). He took me to Bomgaars and bought me a shovel (this man really knows the way to my heart = a good days work) and then to Bamboo Garden for all-you-can-eat buffet. I began craving and enjoying Chinese food during chemo and it just hasn’t gone away. We finished out the evening with steak, baked potatoes, wild rice, green beans and homemade cornbread. Roy did a great job today. Despite all of this wonderfulness, I found myself really pondering how quickly life gets out of alignment.

During all of my “regular” mom days, my children consume my time, therefore they consume my energy as well as my thoughts. When we tuck the little boys into bed I am generally completely exhausted and have very little energy for my husband. After half-hearted attempts at conversation I normally prop myself up in bed to do my daily Bible reading. Most days there is enough gasoline left in me to get that done. I was really reminded today, that although being a mom is one of the most important jobs I will ever have, it should take its proper place third in line. My first and primary priority should be my relationship with Jesus Christ. I must continue to develop that by being in the Word of God and faithfully spending time in prayer. If I am going to call Jesus Lord and Savior of my life, He must sit in that first position. Now here is where things get really off. Roy normally falls to the very bottom of the totem pole. Jake and Matt use me up and spit me out by the end of the day, and Roy is lucky to get some three day old left overs of me. Loving, honoring and respecting my husband needs to take its proper place second in line. Nurturing my children has to come third. Mother’s Day is super significant, but it is NOT more important than Christmas and my birthday combined (maybe don’t tell Roy this…) I believe my life has been a little out of alignment, so I thought I might challenge you to evaluate the same in your life. Is it time for you to get in alignment?

P.S. I may have failed to post anything in quite some time about my health. Short version: The Cancer Center in Denver said there was no reason to believe their was a recurrence of cancer. I am to get a follow-up PET scan in June to compare it to the March scan. I will meet with my oncologist and go over the results. Unless I have an exceptionally large mass growing out of my body, I fully intend not to visit another oncologist for quite some time. Hasta luego cancer!

Peace, where did you go?

For those of you faithful prayer warriors, you may have noticed that I was supposed to get my test results last week and I never gave you any update. One of my goals during my bout with cancer, was that I would not succumb to fear of sharing of my story. I failed at my goal this week. There are particular people I do not want to know what is going on in my life right now. I just don’t. I want to curl up in a ball and take a really long nap. I don’t even really want to know my own story right now. Mainly, because I don’t know. Ultimately, this is NOT God’s best for me, so it is time to share.

Roy and I went in pretty blindly on Monday, March 17th to meet with my oncologist. I kept telling people leading up to my appointment that I wasn’t certain if what I was feeling was peace or apathy. I kept telling people apathy and they kept telling me peace. It was apathy. Unfortunately, we did not get the results we thought we would hear. The mass near my heart has grown. When I started chemo in February 2013 the lymph node near my heart was 5.4 cm wide. After chemo it shrunk to 3.0 cm and my oncologist was pleased with that result. He told us that scar tissue is normal following treatment. It is much like inflating a balloon. After you blow it up the first time, it just never really goes back to the same size. (That must explain what happened to my abdomen following two pregnancies.) My most recent PET scan shows that the mass/node has grown to 4.3 cm and is showing “low grade activity”. Dr. Stone gave me two options. 1) Wait 3 months and then do another PET scan. 2) Do a biopsy on the mass to see if it is lymphoma or scar tissue or some other anomaly. Seriously? Do you know me? Wait? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Wait to see if a mass near my heart continues to grow? Who chooses that? Clearly, I didn’t.

Once I chose door #2 we began asking some questions. What is the course of treatment if the lymphoma is back? Answer: A stronger, harsher chemo plus a bone marrow transplant. How would the transplant work? Answer: I would be my own donor. That was good news… That was all I really needed to know. My thoughts began racing. I just started growing my hair back. What will we tell the boys? How will this impact our daily life? God got us through this last time, He hasn’t changed, He will be faithful to do it again. Again? I don’t want to do it again! I don’t want to ask for help? I don’t want to drain my family, friends, and community. If it is not lymphoma, what is growing? Why couldn’t it be a mass somewhere other than near my heart?  On and on and on they went? ? ? ? ?

Now we play the ridiculously annoying waiting game. I am working with a cardiologist to schedule the biopsy. Despite amazing technological advances, the left hand refuses to speak to the right hand. I had my PET scan done with one business, I mean medical facility, and the cardiologists works for the other business, I mean health provider. I almost drove 2 hours to pick up my PET scan DVD to drive it to the cardiologist 45 minutes away to make life easier… Oh, I would then drive 2.5 hours home. Easier, I know… As I type this entry, it reminds me of my “Cancer Sucks” blog. I feel like I am whining and frustrated. I am. I am so frustrated. The “why?” doesn’t matter. If this is God’s plan, for me to re-enter this journey, then I will gladly go forth. I don’t mind for me. I just don’t want it for Roy. I don’t want it for Jake. I don’t want it for Matt. I don’t want it for anyone else who cares for me and my family. Roy said it perfectly, “Brandee, I just want to live life with you. I want to stop fighting death with you.” I melted.


I have loved feeling the sun on my skin and not being worried that I would get a severe, instant sunburn from my chemo. I have loved playing with my boys. I have loved cooking meals and eating with my family. I have loved having enough energy to simply live. I have loved Jesus. I still do. That will not change. Why would it? He has been so incredibly faithful to me and my family. He deserves everything I can give Him, and what I cannot. There is more to my journey. There is more to your journey. Would you pray for peace during our time of waiting? “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.” John 14:27

Tick Tock Goes the Clock

It has been 6 months since my last scan. I can’t hardly believe it. Tomorrow, Roy and I will head to Greeley for the follow-up PET scan that is required post-treatement. I am not worried about the results. Good, bad or ugly, God will take care of it. He did it before and He will do it again. We are hopeful for a clear scan, but it will be a week before we know the results. I still don’t like the actual scan – holding still while going into a tube is not my idea of fun. It makes me think of a coffin and I have a whole lot of life ahead of me.

The hard thing to bear is that this is taking such a toll on my little Jake. Jake falls asleep quickly and easily. After we shared with the boys that I would be headed into the doctor tomorrow, it simply put Jake in a tale spin. We are not sure why this is harder for him now. Is he more aware of what cancer did to our family? Is he scared of the results? Does he even understand what he has already faced? Is he worried we will face again? All I know is that I can love him despite his fear. I crawled (in a very ackward, very uncomfortable way) up onto his top bunk simply to hold him. We had laid the boys down, but he was upset and called me back downstairs. Jake couldn’t stop crying. He was trying to be strong, but he simply was “going to miss his mommy time.” He needed one last “big hug” before he said he could fall asleep. In tears I headed back upstairs. For the first time in his six little years of life, he cracked his door open an hour and a half past his bedtime so he could find me and crawl into my arms. On a different day I may have been annoyed or frustrated or worried that he wasn’t getting enough sleep. Tonight I wanted to hold him as much as he wanted to be held. I wanted to take away his pain and worry and tell him everything was going to be alright. Is it? Probably. But there is no guarantee. The one thing I know is that just as Jake found comfort in my arms, I find comfort in Jesus’ arms. He holds me in my sadness and fear with such peace and comfort that I too will sleep sound tonight.

Grocery List

Simply put I am a list maker. I am a task-oriented person. I have even written a “to-done” list to mark off the things I accomplished in a day purely for the gratification of scribbling out the task completed. With this idea in mind, I also make grocery lists. Even if you are not a regular to-do list maker, I think quite a few people make a grocery list, so hopefully you know a little of the language I am speaking. For the first time in 18 months I wrote down “conditioner” on my grocery list. Although this may seem like the most unnecessary news you have ever read (which it really is), it held much significance to me. I am a Sam’s Club shopper and had a large bottle of conditioner I had been using 6 months leading up to chemo. Pretty soon after my treatment began the hair loss commenced. I lost well over 90% of my hair during my six months of chemo and then trimmed off 8% more. As Jake would tell you, I have a bird nest on the back of my head. The little curly poof that remains is small indeed and on a windy day truly does resemble a birds nest. It doesn’t help that my once long hair, when short, is VERY curly. People often ask me if it is coming back in curly. Yes, but because it always was curly and it was too heavy and thick to note previously. My little stubbin’s are about 2″ long and I am so pleased with my curly fro that sits upon my head. If I maintain this rate of growth it will likely only take 6 years to grow my hair back to the pre-chemo length. That would mean not a single hair cut, so we are really looking realistically at 8 years. People often said, “it will grow back.” Yes that is true. But how often do we wait for 8 years for something to grow? (I think there are people who wait 20+ years for rare flowers to bloom…but that is not really my cup of tea.) I am in it for the long haul, so overall that will be just fine.

A year ago yesterday, I had my very first meeting with an oncologist. Still that idea shocks me. It sometimes seems as though it never even happened because the mere idea of fighting cancer is such a far reaching thought. I had cancer. Whaaaaattt? That seems so odd to say. I survived cancer. Now that has a much better ring to it. I feel like beating cancer should stand out as one of life’s great accomplishments. It does, but it doesn’t mean that there will be no more struggles or life battles. We know that from scripture. John 16:33 tell us “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I recently went through one struggle in some relationships with people. People can be difficult. I can easily be stubborn. But it too was hard. At some moments I was certain it was even harder than cancer and that is saying quite a bit. By God’s grace there has been some peaceful resolution. I am not positive that if I had not gone through cancer would I be aware enough of the magnitude of God’s grace in a really tough situation. Isn’t God’s grace sufficient? Andrea’s words spoke so clearly to me today at Brown Bag Bible Study. She stated that unbelief is the underlying sin of all sin. We often don’t actually believe God will provide. Unbelief is an insult to God’s goodness… Can we get an, “AMEN!”? Just because I went through the waters of chemo, is does not guarantee an easy road from here on out. Does that mean that God is any less sovereign? No! Just because I fail in how to love people best, it does not make God any less of a loving and forgiving God. For these I am so thankful.

I recently was asked to write a letter to a man battling cancer. One of the things that my dear friend, Amy and I have discussed before is that we didn’t really like being called into action when someone lost a sibling. We didn’t like giving advice on ways to handle grief. We simply wished we had never gone through it so we wouldn’t know how to give the advice. I found myself feeling the same way about writing a letter for a fellow cancer battler. But God didn’t have me go through it to have no return on the gain. I was pushed further and I have an opportunity and responsibility to share the Gospel to this father fighting cancer. This is what I said to Eli, and what I would probably say to anyone:

“Dear Eli,

My name is Brandee and I am a recent cancer survivor. I am also a good friend of _____. She has shared with me that you are currently fighting cancer. One of the things that irritated me most was receiving unsolicited advice. It was hard enough to hear all of the awful things that the doctors told me, let alone all of the other suggestions everyone else made. It was exhausting to decipher truth from myth. I stuck with what my doctor told me, but I was blessed with a phenomenal oncologist. I also hope you have an excellent oncologist. Doesn’t that suck? To say you have an oncologist. I agree! Eli, the fight is hard. I am not sure of your treatment regiment. I received chemo for 6 months. I did learn that fighting and my mental state was half the challenge. After about my fourth round of treatment, depression started to take hold. Eli, I have no idea what your faith looks like and it is absolutely none of my business. I am a believer in Jesus Christ. As a result, I prayed. But I was also too exhausted, too mad, too frustrated and too sad to pray sometimes. Because of this I asked others to pray for me. As sure as I write this letter, there were many, many times that other peoples prayers helped life me up. Eli, I am so sorry if I am preaching to the choir and you already know of the power of prayer, but if you don’t I challenge you to at least consider it. It is a free gift I can give to you. I will be asking the Mighty Healer, Jesus to intervene on your behalf – to give you comfort, peace, rest, courage, boldness and a soft spirit to receive these gifts. Eli, cancer sucks! The journey is hard! There is such a burden to bear and it can certainly feel completely overwhelming. It is important to remember that there are people who love you and need you. Many prayers, Brandee”

"My grace is sufficient for you" 2 Cor. 12:9

“My grace is sufficient for you” 2 Cor. 12:9

How the West Was Won

You know how the west was won? The good guy shot the bad guy. Do you ever wonder what our crime rate would be like if we had good ol’ fashion public hangings still? Clearly we needed to “civilize” the west, but I am not certain everything shook out as it should.How the West Was Won

I have been in the middle of serious dilemmas lately. I have been struggling with the idea of making sure people see Jesus within me and my insatiable desire to chop block some jackholes (note the creative removal of the naughty word I am not suppose to say). We were in Wal-Mart and Roy, Jake and Matt were attempting to exit the boy’s clothing section, when an older, well-dressed, walking-with-a-purpose gentleman, who on the wrong side of traffic, came blazing past everyone nearly knocking one or two of my family out of the way. We had just left church and we had heard John Hackbarth speak an excellent message about Jesus calling the disciples. John spoke about the most important things we must do as Christians is to make sure we put people first. People matter. Then we go to Wal-mart and my next thought is that people also need punched in the nose…

How do we draw the line between grace and a swift kick in the pants?

Matt's pants

Matt’s pants

How do we handle situations with patience and still move forward in a timely manner? Jesus drew a line in the sand with his finger. When a line is that thin, you cannot stand on it – literally our feet are too wide to stand on a line drawn by a finger. I think that is the point. You either have to stand on one side or the other. For those of you trying to think outside of the box and wanting to straddle the line with both feet, the answer is a resounding NO. No you may not do that. We have to pick a side. Our real dilemma is our constant desire to exhibit grace when we are frustrated, patience when we are fed up with a situation, and love when we are mad at someone. I don’t think I am going to be able to finish figuring this out tonight. I hope not to punch anyone tomorrow though.

My family had a wonderful Christmas. A typical ranching Christmas. We soaked up presents from Santa and then Roy left to go do chores for a couple of hours. Upon his return the boys tore up the presents under the tree. We waltzed around the Christmas tree that evening and I got my very first cap gun! Being raised by “The Great American Hunter” I am sorely disappointed that I never experienced the sheer excitement of popping off a cap gun until I was 33. We were very fortunate that the smoke alarm didn’t go off. December 26 roared like a lion as I went to meet with a neurosurgeon. After my port was removed in late September, I woke up the next morning with the most irritatingly painful kink in my neck. That kink is still there and does not show any signs of letting up. I have had severe headaches and decreased mobility. I can’t even look in my own blind spot while driving. After my own 12 Days of Christmas… 5 chiropractic appointments, 2 massages and 1 physical therapist, I had an MRI done. Both my primary care physician and oncologist saw no red flags. My 2nd chiropractor on the other hand was highly alarmed by the presence of possible cysts along my spinal cord. It put us in a bit of a panic. I saw two very real possibilities: cancer again or dangerous surgery near my spinal cord. After the consultation on the 26th with the neurosurgeon he gave us both great and somewhat frustrating news. Good news: no cancer, no surgery. Frustrating news: no solution. We are still working through the idea of remedial care.

At this point, I am not sure it is safe for anyone to read this. I do not want to be responsible for a good black eye, but then again, maybe I do…

January 2014 are you here yet? I am incredibly thankful for all that I experienced in 2013, but I think a fresh start sounds pretty good right about now. I hope you had an incredibly Merry Christmas and that a superb New Year is around the corner for you and yours.