I have heard the saying, “I am sick and tired of this,” numerous times, but that phrase has a whole new meaning to me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. On Monday, April 15th, I had my fourth round of chemo. We started with the usual blood draw at 8:00 a.m. and then we had some waiting time. Roy and I went an enjoyed a Taco John’s breakfast burrito which I gravely looked at as my “last supper” meal. I felt really pretty great and I knew within hours I would feel like I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean. We were at the office for nearly six hours that day and I chose to have the Ativan this time again. It helped calm my nerves. By Monday night I was curled up in a ball on the couch with the little guys driving their cars over my blanket.
I am so thankful they are completely content doing just that. They don’t expect more of me. That is a wonderful thing, because I have nothing else to give to them on these days.
Tuesday I took about a 2 hour morning nap and then headed in to the Cancer Center to get IV fluid and anti-nausea medication. I went in on Wednesday afternoon for the same 3 hour treatment of IV fluids and anti-nausea meds. Unfortunately, my nausea throughout the week proceeded at an all time high. The fatigue is truly unheard of. I am a mom. I know sleepless nights stacked on top of one another after having a newborn baby. I know not sleeping because your baby is sick. I do not know fatigue and exhaustion like this. I am a person of much energy and vigor, and I can barely get out of bed to merely mobilize to the couch. This journey is incredibly harder than I imagined. I cried out to God last night, “I AM DONE! I QUIT! I CANNOT DO THIS ANY LONGER!” I put myself to bed and prayed.
The amazing thing: The Lord answered my prayers and YOUR prayers. I woke up feeling much better today. I generally rate myself out of 100% when people ask me how I am doing and today I feel like 70%… which is like feeling at 100% when I have been holding steady at about 25% all week. The Lord (and my husband) reminded me that I don’t get to quit. I have so much to live for – my beautiful family, opportunities to witness to people, and there are more people I will impact in this lifetime. And, I don’t want to have cancer anymore, so this treatment is the way out of this tunnel.
Jessica sent me this verse last week and it is like a resounding gong: “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10 ESV. What an absolutely amazing promise! I will be restored! I will be confirmed! I will be strengthened! I will be established! These are God’s promises and I believe them with my whole heart.
This week will be interesting. Tomorrow I am attending my first American Cancer Society event, the “Look Good, Feel Good” program. I have heard really great things about it, but it makes it very real to visit with other cancer patients who are struggling with similar situations – hair loss, nausea and fatigue. I am not sure I am quite ready. On Wednesday, Roy and I will head to Greeley for me to complete another PET/CT scan. The machine looks a little like this:
I will be injected with radioactive glucose and have to sit in isolation for about 45 minutes while my body (specifically the cancer cells) absorb/metabolize the glucose. Seriously? That just doesn’t sound good… I will certainly need a cape after this one, because I am positive I will come out looking like Superman. (I envision the glucose to be much like green kryptonite, but I will not be weaker for it, so a cape is definitely in order) 🙂 Ultimately, I lay on the platform, they strap me down and then bring me into the machine for about 45 minutes of imaging. “Do not be anxious about anything,” will continue to be my memory verse during the scan. It is mostly painless, except for that random, intolerable itch I will have on my nose… and the $7000 bill that is attached to the darn image.
We will get the scan results by Friday. Even with a clear scan it is highly likely I will have to complete the remaining 8 treatments. I am praying for a clear scan, but MUST mentally prepare to drudge through the rest of the trenches despite the results. I will never be able to thank you all for the generous donation of your timely prayers. I truly know that I could not endure this trial without your faithful support – it is too hard to do alone. Please continue to stand alongside me and my family. I promise God will use this for something truly outstanding and you will have been a part of that. For that, I am forever grateful.
I may be sick and tired of being sick and tired, but today I feel better. I can do this one day at a time. There are God’s promises to be fulfilled and I will journey on for that purpose.