Peace, where did you go?

For those of you faithful prayer warriors, you may have noticed that I was supposed to get my test results last week and I never gave you any update. One of my goals during my bout with cancer, was that I would not succumb to fear of sharing of my story. I failed at my goal this week. There are particular people I do not want to know what is going on in my life right now. I just don’t. I want to curl up in a ball and take a really long nap. I don’t even really want to know my own story right now. Mainly, because I don’t know. Ultimately, this is NOT God’s best for me, so it is time to share.

Roy and I went in pretty blindly on Monday, March 17th to meet with my oncologist. I kept telling people leading up to my appointment that I wasn’t certain if what I was feeling was peace or apathy. I kept telling people apathy and they kept telling me peace. It was apathy. Unfortunately, we did not get the results we thought we would hear. The mass near my heart has grown. When I started chemo in February 2013 the lymph node near my heart was 5.4 cm wide. After chemo it shrunk to 3.0 cm and my oncologist was pleased with that result. He told us that scar tissue is normal following treatment. It is much like inflating a balloon. After you blow it up the first time, it just never really goes back to the same size. (That must explain what happened to my abdomen following two pregnancies.) My most recent PET scan shows that the mass/node has grown to 4.3 cm and is showing “low grade activity”. Dr. Stone gave me two options. 1) Wait 3 months and then do another PET scan. 2) Do a biopsy on the mass to see if it is lymphoma or scar tissue or some other anomaly. Seriously? Do you know me? Wait? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Wait to see if a mass near my heart continues to grow? Who chooses that? Clearly, I didn’t.

Once I chose door #2 we began asking some questions. What is the course of treatment if the lymphoma is back? Answer: A stronger, harsher chemo plus a bone marrow transplant. How would the transplant work? Answer: I would be my own donor. That was good news… That was all I really needed to know. My thoughts began racing. I just started growing my hair back. What will we tell the boys? How will this impact our daily life? God got us through this last time, He hasn’t changed, He will be faithful to do it again. Again? I don’t want to do it again! I don’t want to ask for help? I don’t want to drain my family, friends, and community. If it is not lymphoma, what is growing? Why couldn’t it be a mass somewhere other than near my heart?  On and on and on they went? ? ? ? ?

Now we play the ridiculously annoying waiting game. I am working with a cardiologist to schedule the biopsy. Despite amazing technological advances, the left hand refuses to speak to the right hand. I had my PET scan done with one business, I mean medical facility, and the cardiologists works for the other business, I mean health provider. I almost drove 2 hours to pick up my PET scan DVD to drive it to the cardiologist 45 minutes away to make life easier… Oh, I would then drive 2.5 hours home. Easier, I know… As I type this entry, it reminds me of my “Cancer Sucks” blog. I feel like I am whining and frustrated. I am. I am so frustrated. The “why?” doesn’t matter. If this is God’s plan, for me to re-enter this journey, then I will gladly go forth. I don’t mind for me. I just don’t want it for Roy. I don’t want it for Jake. I don’t want it for Matt. I don’t want it for anyone else who cares for me and my family. Roy said it perfectly, “Brandee, I just want to live life with you. I want to stop fighting death with you.” I melted.

Comeback

I have loved feeling the sun on my skin and not being worried that I would get a severe, instant sunburn from my chemo. I have loved playing with my boys. I have loved cooking meals and eating with my family. I have loved having enough energy to simply live. I have loved Jesus. I still do. That will not change. Why would it? He has been so incredibly faithful to me and my family. He deserves everything I can give Him, and what I cannot. There is more to my journey. There is more to your journey. Would you pray for peace during our time of waiting? “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.” John 14:27

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4 thoughts on “Peace, where did you go?

  1. Laura & John Pfaltzgraff says:

    I am so sorry, Brandee, that you have to go through this again. I pray for God’s strength and peace. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace that doesn’t make sense in this earthly realm. A peace that is at rest and trusts God no matter what happens or doesn’t happen. His peace. May it be an anchor in the storm.

  2. Sue Bloomfield says:

    Our family is praying for you Brandee. Although we do not know each other, I feel we have a connection with one another. You are an inspiration to all of us that wake up on days and think life sucks but have no concept of what you and your might be experiencing. You are the true strength, the mighty warrior of the world. Today I am seeing a good friend of mine that step-mother is experiencing a mastectomy tomorrow due to cancer. Cancer does suck and for those who have to experience it I pray for peace for you and your strength for God never is weakened.

  3. Jeri Burns says:

    Brandee, we will pray, that you will feel His peace, and that the doctor will be guided by the Ultimate Healer, and all the test will be miraculous free of all negatively. Our hearts and prayers are with you, and your precious family.

  4. Mark & Pat says:

    Brandee, I sit here weeping and in prayer for you & Roy & boys. I pray for God’s healing for you both mentally and physically. This is heart wrenching that you have to go through this. Keep trusting in the One that loves you more than our earthly minds can wrap itself around. Our trust & faith must be in Christ. Mark & I will be praying for you. Love you dear girl.

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