20 Years Ago

Somehow I felt that after I finished chemo that nobody would want to read anything else I wrote. That journey was over and I should have moved on. Did you know I still cry? Sometimes I am so overwhelmed at the idea that I had cancer at the age of 33 I cry. Sometimes when I think back to being crumpled in the shower wanting to die, I cry. Sometimes when I look at my short hair I cry. Sometimes when I look at my children I cry. Sometimes when my husband kisses me on the neck and I can’t feel it from the damage from the biopsy, I cry. Right now as I am writing this I am crying. I am crying for numerous reasons tonight…

Over the past year there have been challenges in my life. We all have faced challenges. Part of my life got so challenging I lost my voice. I couldn’t speak – figuratively. During cancer I was very transparent. But during this recent life journey I no longer felt like I could be transparent because my challenge would reveal something that was very public. I live in small town America. My name has a real possibility of being in the local paper. So instead, I remained silent. I am all done with that. This is my very non-transparent way of saying, “I’m sorry for being silent” and this is a part of my life that I will keep quiet. Hiding in God’s Word has been the only place I have found refuge.

Today is an important day in the history of my family. 20 years ago, almost exactly, at 8:30 p.m. my sister Heather was killed in a car accident. That night was a living nightmare. It is what they make horror movies out of (one of the many reasons I don’t watch them.) When you’ve been in one there is no need to ever watch one for entertainment. I digress. For many years me and my family asked why? God is sovereign and He knows why. I don’t. I don’t have to know.

Sometimes I think life is like the game of Dominoes. We push one domino over and there is a cascade that follows as a result of that decision. Heather died. Not my choice. Not my domino. I met Roy by God’s design –> Roy took me to a play –> Because of my longing for something greater than to believe that Heather was simply a rotting body in the ground, on November 2, 1999 I accepted Jesus –> January 12, 2001 Nicole died and I wasn’t alone in my grief because I had been introduced to Jesus –> I wanted to know what Nicole experienced in her last year of life so I competed for El Paso County Fair and Rodeo Queen –> I loved serving my county fair and that brought me to a place of wanting to serve the Logan County Fair –> While chaperoning the queens at the Horse Expo I found my dream job of teaching Anatomy around the country. So if we cut out the details, because I met Roy I get to have my dream job. (That might be two-fold because I am also a mama and that is my mostest favoritest job ever). Despite wanting to give Roy lots of credit, the credit goes to Christ alone. God is sovereign. He knows the details and He will work them for His good.

This is one example of one choice I made. I do believe accepting or denying Christ is the single most important choice a person can make. Have you made that choice?


3 thoughts on “20 Years Ago

  1. Linda Brocki says:

    Praise God!

  2. andre' says:

    The Lord’s ways are past finding out……..we do indeed, see through a glass darkly, but one day the beauty of God’s purpose and plan will be made known. Joy and pain are somehow what it takes to get through this down here is what I’m finding. Both extremely important, and in His Great Grace, God sees to both. My favorite poem is The Weaver. I think this will bless you. I love you dearly. Such fondness comes to my heart at the thought of you and that precious family. 🙂

    My Life is but a weaving
    between my Lord and me;
    I cannot choose the colors
    He worketh steadily.

    Oft times He weaveth sorrow
    And I, in foolish pride,
    Forget He sees the upper,
    And I the under side.

    Not til the loom is silent
    And the shuttles cease to fly,
    Shall God unroll the canvas
    And explain the reason why.

    The dark threads are as needful
    In the Weaver’s skillful hand,
    As the threads of gold and silver
    In the pattern He has planned.

    He knows, He loves, He cares,
    Nothing this truth can dim.
    He gives His very best to those
    Who leave the choice with Him.

  3. Earline says:

    Christ has used you in such a mighty way, a wonderful way. I am so glad you are sharing again.

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